the wait is almost over
I wanna keep feeling and dreaming in color...dreaming in Indigo... "when I'm with you I feel alive"..... that's how I feel about, me...*plays Indigo by Chris Brown on loop*
I'm a person that has difficulty receiving. I think it developed because with the way my life has been set up thus far, I've had to give to get.... in situations where that won't be the story for my children. God's been the only one that's stuck with me through it all, and gratitude doesn't start to cover it...
But... I have trouble... receiving... I'm weary of when people act like me and just want to give or help... and consequently this creates a paradox where sometimes I only give to receive because everyone needs to receive....I've had enough of my shit. ENOUGH.
Right now, is the most beautiful, uplifting, difficult time in my life... and I've been through some rough, shitty shit. It's the most difficult though because... now... I'm waiting to receive.
I've put in all the work... I've done all the work... and now, I'm waiting for all to come to me... and I'm receiving what I gave, tenfold... and.. it's really hard for me. *we'll discuss how being a black woman in this time also makes everything 10x harder at a later date*
For now, I'm owning the fact that i've had enough and I'm doing the work. The inner work. Reminding myself life is about giving AND receiving. I am capable and full of both. I listened to one of my favorite spiritual leaders today and once again felt in alignment with the times and hopeful for my present and my future where I'm just receiving in grace. I'll share three points either stated within the message or from my thoughts derived from the message entitled: It's Birthing Time.
1. "Hope that is seen is no hope at all" - Pastor Touré. Reminder that hope and faith are the ASSURANCES in the things you CANNOT see..... *yet* that's the whole hope.
2. I learned the other day that the archaic/ root word of patience shares the same meanings in Greek, French and Latin.... no matter their spellings and pronunciations they all translate to "suffering, or to suffer" Sometimes waiting and being patient *honestly all the time* feels like suffering. that's okay, it is not unnatural, it is by design, keep waiting... a change is gonna come. this comforts me, sometimes i feel guilty for my feelings so knowing what i'm experiencing is literally the root of this word, gives me peace.
3. "Everyone has to navigate the 'doubt dimension.' Doubt is its own atmosphere." - Pastor Touré. We're all navigating doubt, the thing is you just gotta endure it and keep going and know there's another side. Keep the faith. Keep believing even when it looks or feels impossible, because it is. Be sure to let what's inside you affect what's around you, not vice versa.
Now is your time to shine lovers. Believe in possibility. Let the adventures begin. Take the risks. the time to unleash is NOW. Keep pushing into the unknown. Keep forging anew. I love you and you're gonna make it, and not by the skin of your teeth but with victory and power.
With all of my love