Morning Lovers. Mama is a day late, but I promise you she's not a dollar or a word short. I needed to sit with what my spirit knew I needed to say, but that my fingers and my flesh weren't ready to convey properly. Now, mama's ready. Strap up, cuz we're throwing it back today... to Write it Wednesday. *Remember, I use the word God because I know God, insert whatever spirit or energy you believe in lieu, my loves... this here is about spirit, not about religion*
I had the most joyous, romantic, beautiful, fulfilling, kind, special, intense, whole-hearted Valentines day weekend. Then boom, came Monday and I had a hurtful, venomous family situation that struck me to my core, and until about twenty minutes ago in the tub I was so angry... and hurt... and upset and feeling like here we go again God you can't never just give me a damn break. like, DAMN!
However, God does that thing where He deal with ya in your own time, in your own heart, in your own temple *ya body* in YOUR language. You see, I'm not where I was before but mama can still hustle a bit for her worthiness. Sometimes I still struggle truly believing that worthiness has no pre-requisites. Sometimes I'm still humping to prove to myself and others that I got it, it being this life thing because God got me. And so, instead of seeing this hurtful ass situation as another thing God is bringing me to AND through, and using for my good, I instantly was like I don't have time for this shit, I'm better than this, NO. *Insert Ego and diminish spirit, here*
Ya see, I think we (me, lmao) oftentimes fall into the trap of thinking that boundaries are barriers. Brené Brown quotes a colleague best in Rising Strong or Daring Greatly *I can't remember right now, I'm on my third book of hers THIS year lmao* that says: "Boundaries are simply what's okay and what's not." It really is that fucking simple... jaw drop. Instead though, of saying what's okay and what's not okay, most of us *me, again lmao* shut down and immediately go into protection mode which is flight, freeze or fight. Mama's prone to fight, I'm an aries moon, my dad's a leo, my moms a cancer, I'm a cancer aries cancer....oh and mama is eloquent *if you can't already tell* with words. I know how to gut you like a fish, kindly– if there is such a thing. So in this situation, I'm in a full on shit shame storm as Brené calls it right– I'm ashamed that I'm going through this bullshit, I'm feeling unworthy cuz I'm in a situation I know my heart and spirit are not, in terms of maturity...and on top of that, within this situation I don't feel supported or seen by my partner. *Cue Sorry by Beyonce and then sometimes I feel like a motherless child*
Then boom, I open today's faith journal prompt and it's about being meek and how that's not popular in this fast gotta be bold talk loud and fast have it all together world. How you can choose to be humble or God will humble YOU.... wait a minute... am I being.... humbled? Aw hell naw! lmao. Meek means: quiet, gentle, and easily imposed on; submissive... synonymous with patient... long-suffering.
See, no... I don't DESERVE to be in shitty situations that make me feel bad, and I don't deserve constant hurt... but if it's coming.. that means it is of use to me... I have to be HUMBLE enough to trust who I know is REALLY in control of the moon, the sun and the stars... if this is what you've placed in front of me, then you have a purpose for it that adds to my purpose and service as a human being on this planet. this goes for shitty situations you've put yourself into as well, God can and does use ANY and EVERYTHING and wastes NOTHING and NO ONE.
I was humbled and realized, I wasn't being boundaried, I wasn't being whole-hearted and acting from my worthiness, I was acting small, and humping for it by arguing, over-thinking and pointing fingers in response to this venomous situation. Remember, people are doing their best, and sometimes their best is ugly as fuck, and I'm in the middle of that right now, dealing with someone whose best is ugly as fuck right now, and I've been acting ugly as fuck before and still remained clothed, loved, fed, poured into... who am I to judge and give any less? Now, I must admit, when people acting ugly as fuck you do have options on HOW to lovingly proceed, sometimes that's staying in touch but out of reach for your safety, sometimes that's simply praying for them but not being in communication, and sometimes that's physical distance but constant intercession for them in the spirit realm where are all REAAAALLL close.
I know that it isn't shutting down and letting my ego get in the way and thinking up the ways I'm better than somebody and blaming them for the fact that I still struggle with believing I'm worthy.. And then consequently wanting to beat the fuck out of them because they took a cheap shot and hit me in a soft spot.
See, Spirit says: I am here. I am worthy. I will show up, no matter what. I will be open and whole, tender-hearted. You do not dictate who and how I am.
Ego says: Fuck this, I am better than this and you. You're to blame, I don't wanna deal with this, fuck everybody that ain't me and on exactly what I'm on.
Ego is small, spirit is BIG. Spirit is forgiveness, grace, and mercy, truth and boundaries. Ego is none of those things, not even on its bestest prettiest least petty day.
We talk a lot about snapback... whether it's snapping back some weight after a baby or
a weight loss testimony, or snapping back from a surgery or loss... but what's your Forgiveness snapback? are you quick to forgive? what's your grace and mercy snapback? are you quick to assume the best about people? that that's what they're giving and THEN acting accordingly? What's your apology snapback? Are you quick to recognize when you need to hold yourself truly accountable and then apologize? mmm, yeah, I wasn't snapping back. Today, I've decided to.
So my loves, all in all, I'm coming bold in heart and meek in spirit. It takes boldness and bravery to ask God to be and remain soft, patient... long-suffering. When all you wanna be is tough, control the narrative, fight back, and have all the answers now. The thing is, both are required. Sometimes the fight is remaining soft. Sometimes the patience is giving it another go with all you fucking got. All times the only narrative you can control is your own. Bold heart, gentle spirit. My spirit lives in my heart, I gotta be boffum at the same damn time *future voice*
Being gentle is being willing to learn, to humble yourself and go back to the drawing board. I was supremely triggered this week, and y'all know about my therapy journey.. I have an *emergency session* today because I had to humble myself and say... I need help, I need some tools cuz I feel myself backsliding.. I need a check-in. See, my ego had me out here thinking that being that bitch means I don't need nothing but myself, the enemy is a liar. We are wired to connect, not to isolate. Check in on yourself, THAT's badass....My ability to check in and give myself what I need and ask for it from the right sources make me that BITCH, as does waking up every morning because say it with me, worthiness has no pre-requisites!
Lastly, I'll leave you with a revelation and scriptures I had to sit with it during my morning worship, which led to this post:
Joy, is giving God access. That's why Joy isn't contingent upon your circumstances, that's why you can have peace that transcends ALL understanding. Mmmm, that hit me deep and I just had to smile and thank. I was starting to close my heart off, thinking I know best for me exactly how my life should go and if you don't fit exactly into that vision you aren't shit...ego... no no no no ... God, I will make room. I choose to give you access again, and this time not just a room or level, Im humble enough to say, you need to bless the whole house, again and again and again... always and forever.
"All His works are true and HIS ways are just. He is able to humble those who walk in pride." Daniel 4:37
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, so that He may EXALT *that means GLORIFY, DIGNIFY* you AT THE PROPER TIME." 1 Peter 5:6
Keep on keeping on lovers. Humble yourself, whatever the situation is... gentle yourself... patient yourself... learn... receive... I know I am.
you can be strong and struggling... we all are.. and you're so worthy. we're doing a good job, one day at a time.
With all of my love,
Until next time...