So week three married, and it's the first of June. Three weeks until cancer season, and baby we are loading. As I write this, I have some tears on my brain, and fake in my eyes so, bear with baby girl.
Im sitting and listening to the album Worthy by India Arie. The line from the single entitled 'Worthy' goes: "Baby, girl. Worthy, Woman. Everyone of us is worthy." And boy oh boy is that something I struggle with. Some days I am so confident and sure of who I am, a child of God, worthy of love, acceptance, and abundance. Other days, I feel like who is this woman in this 23 year old body thats a wife, daughter, sister, sister friend and performing artist. Sometimes I feel like an imposter. Like im living on borrowed time and talents.. any of you ever felt that before? Like you're fighting to prove your life, your thoughts, your creativity/ art, and the space you take up are enough and valid of recognition and care?
As Brene Brown calls them, the shame gremlins be COMING for me!! Shame on what? Everything!! Drinking too much or not at all, ingesting marijuana or not, always sex with condoms or not, saying no when I mean yes or yes when I mean no, saying either of those and actually meaning them but feeling shame for the one I've chosen not being in line with someone elses ideas, planning consistently or letting my life just flow, going to church every Sunday or just reading my daily devotional and praying throughout my days, streaming church when I could've gotten dressed and gone, saying nigga or not, tryna explain and engage with people who don't think racism, sexism and all the -ism's that exist are real or let them be goofy, posting my accomplishments and successes or just keeping them for those that know me and are in person... I mean baby the list is endless. And why is it endless? Reading this book 'The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are' by Brene Brown is changing my life.
The Gremlins have access to me because A: I'm human, and they come for us all. But more importantly, B: I AM A PERFECTIONIST AND PERFECTION ISN'T REAL. So I'm really over here tweaking. Like girl, you're not gonna know the answer to all of lifes questions, problems and or encounters. AND THATS OKAY. YOU STILL WORTHY. Where does this idea that I have to be perfect stem from? A bit of it is the time we live in, in the worlds of Insta (gram and gratification) it feels like if you're not always making what are perceived as the 'right' choices then your life is going to shit. It's not true. EVERYONE has a struggle. EVERYONE.
Also, on a more intimate and vulnerable note (takes deep breath as I write and cue tears welling up) I believe perfectionism has to do with trust. When you trust and believe that regardless of circumstance or outer experiences that you're worthy of love, care, belonging, and connection you feel no need to be perfect and get it right all the time. You only feel the need to do your best. and this is huge for me. Baby girl got a few trust issues, but that's okay because MAMA IS HEALING and intentional with it ok?! I grew up with a an incomparably beautiful and genuine single mommy, and a witty tender papa...both full of love and also full of generational and personal curses and trauma that they hadn't quite healed... so I grew up seeing people not really trust each other, or more importantly, themselves. Not trusting each other with their FULL beings in a relationship... not trusting their individual gifts and talents. not trusting their dreams. not trusting their healing. not trusting their intuition. not trusting their spirit enough to share it with the world, even though its a big scary place. And by no means, do I blame them. I'm just acknowledging, I'm in uncharted territory here attempting successful, lifelong healthy monogamous marriage, being a full time performing artist, and connecting and ministering to mysef and as many people as possible! And guess what? That's okay too. I've always felt I needed to do certain things, be certain things, act certain ways to be worthy of attention, time, unconditional love, and care... and it's simply not true.
What mommy and papa did teach the kid is that love is real. God is real. Healing is real. and honesty and integrity matter. And that, I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me. SO with that, this baby girl... is recognizing that I am a worthy woman. I'm worthy of being on this spectrum that we call life. It's not pass or fail. It's not a grading system. Life is meant to be lived and it's different for everyone which is also what makes it the same. I'm worthy when I wake up, I'm worthy when I go to sleep. I'm worthy when I'm eating right, and when I ain't had nothing to eat but flamin' hot doritos all day. I"m worthy when I'm hitting all of my triples in ballet class and when it feels like a struggle to balance on releve. I'm worthy when I feel sexy with my husband, and when I feel like I look 2.5-3 months preggo. I'm worthy when I have the words and the poise to handle a situation calmly and directly, and when I lash out and say things out of hurt or spite. I am worthy when I'm hitting every note perfectly, and when mama's voice is dry cuz she hung out with friends and had wine that dried my voice out. I AM WORTHY. I'm working on being better in all areas of my life, and learning that that doesn't have to look like any one elses better... it just has to be real. Im working on living with my WHOLE heart, because I truly believe it's how we're meant to... and I don't wanna look back over my life and say.... I had the chances, I just didn't trust myself enough to take em... fuck that.
I'll leave you with two favorites of mine at the moment that I got from Brene Brown (duh, i'm fucking with her HEAVY r
n yall, she is GIVING ME THE WORDS and helping me recognize how brave and courageous I am.)
1) When feeling vulnerable (aka all day everyday lmao) I repeat this mantra she gave me: "Don't shrink. Don't puff up. Stand your sacred ground."
2) A quote that inspired her book Daring Greatly (which Ima read next) "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”-- Teddy Roosevelt..
I am worthy and you are too.
I'm also in the arena, are you?
With love, Jasmin Taylor