In you must go...
Hi lovers, it's been a while.. but ironically it's Wednesday... and I woke up ready to write.
"In you must go" in my yoda voice because I'm currently reading Dare to Lead by Brené Brown and it's challenging me to be the best me and leader I can be... and this shit is tough.... it's tough because its reminding me that I must lead myself first... and honestly, since fall hit.. mamas been wanting to put the stress of adulting on somebody fucking else... just keeping it real.
I'm so honored to live and lead the life I do. I also am tired. I'm tired of my financials not being where I not only envision them, but where I know I deserve for them to be... I'm tired of hearing such sad things going on in the world... I'm tired of deciding either or on eating out or buying three more bottles of bubble bath, when I know I eat and take a bath every damn day...
I'm also tired of some deeper things... I'm tired of being so hard on myself as I deal with life's changes. I'm tired of overthinking. I'm tired of the physical fear and doubt that come when I try new things, or go a level deeper within the intimacy of my relationships. I'm tired of having to remind myself that healing is not a specific point or destination but a constant moving target and lifelong process. I think I'm not tired... I think I'm learning to release the trauma and pain around these truths. I overthink sometimes. I'm hard on myself sometimes, honestly a lot of time. When I try new things, like completely new things with a curious and open heart, my palms sweat.. and I get this tingly feeling in my legs.. and sometimes it feels like my insides are burning. I had la rough physical start to life... these are just, truths.... facts.. no feelings, this just is what it is. And making peace with that is proving to be challenging this fall.
Speaking of the challenge of just allowing yourself and experience to be exactly what it is, I'm reminded of the anecdote that Brené Brown just provided in Dare to Lead about Luke Skywalker needing to go into the cave that he feels cold, dark and death from. (I'm paraphrasing read her book, and watch all the Star Wars, you won't regret either) Yoda simply says, in you must go. Luke asks, what's in there? Yoda says, only what you take with you. Luke goes into the cave, finds Darth Vader, cuts his head off, and it reveals that the head he's just cut off, is his own.
I guess I'm perpetually in a state of making sure I have all my shit, and the only thing I'm taking into the cave is me damn-it. The real me. Because if I'm taking fear, anxiety, cold, lack of curiosity into the cave that is life... I'm cutting myself off, and not at the knees, at the HEAD.
Shifting your paradigm is a hell of a challenge, and it's more than possible and within your grasp. Trusting coming home to my heart and sensations is grounding and genuinely sccary at times. Turning your pain to progress for your purpose is not a joke... and.. the only way through is through.... in you must go.
In you must go to your oldest physical territories and eradicate lies. Lies of how you are based on how other people are, what love is, what kindness is, what certain things feel like in your body, the connections you've made with your body and your actions.
I've been to hell back. the pandemic was a big cave for me. I'm starting to wonder though, as I'm on the other side of that cave, fully in tact... if caves are just a part of the deal if you get to wake up everyday and pursue this thing we call life.
I think I've been feeling tired because I'm like, fuck another cave... Trust Coming Home at the Steppenwolf in January, my debut album, the weather and time changing, people being incredibly sad and anxious...
along with some other things I'm not quite at liberty to discuss yet....being frank, they're all caves... and I think that's the sitch. No matter how much you've trained, become the one, become one with the force... your ass still finna have to walk into a cave... IN YOU MUST GO.
So, today I remind myself, and you, that I'm a cave slayer and explorer baby. When I go into a cave, I'm curious. I'm openhearted... and more importantly I know and believe that I'm going to come out on the other side... even if I have to slay some parts of me while I'm inside.. I'm not a girl afraid to cut the parts of me eager to betray and harm me, in thought, memory, or physicality, off at the fucking head.... I don't want no parts baby.
So, as I recognize that I'm truly transformed in a totally different place in my life... I return to the fact that somewhere, someway, it's gone always be a cave... and all I need to do is remember I'm built for this... can't go under it, can't go over it... must go through it... in order to lay hold of every single thing attached to my name.... in the words of my friend yoda.... IN YOU MUST GO, and what's in there.... is gone be what you take with you... and Jasmin Dominique is committed to only taking Jasmin Dominique in there.... not my mommy and her shit, not my pops and his shit, not the dance/entertainment industry and they shit...etc... just me and my God... walking straight into this cave... curious... open hearted... present, ready.
"Everyone has a season, but this one here is yours. It's your time, you've waited."
I've waited to become the cave investigator and slayer (if I must) that I am today.. I remember a time where I would've went into the cave and just laid my life down... or avoided it all together and not faced me... so.... i finish this with gratitude... because this is my season.... I've waited to become one with the force... and now I am....
Watch out world, I'm going in!
With love, until next time...
Mrs. Jasmin Dominique Taylor (or Mrs. Skywalker until I get out these next few fuckin caves! ha!)