No Guidance by Drizzy and Breezy playing in the background, full moon, it's midnight, I'm a lil tipsy, and my season is less than a full week away... use your context clues.
No Guidance... that phrase feels oddly familiar, to a certain degree, and I don't like it. To be without guidance, one seems to be drifting... and I like to be in control... which creates a dissonance within me. Here are a few things I'm drifting on that mama wants some direction on:
1) Me and my papa's relationship. (Fathers day seems to bring up these feelings)
2) Tevin and I have an all inclusive trip to the Dominican in August and people keep ending up dead.
3) I'm all in when it comes to cultivating, honing, and honoring my crafts...AND having so many hats is difficult.
4) babies and children are amazing. and my biological clock is tickin'... yet, I want nothing to do with having my own children at this moment... yet the fact that I know I've chosen an amazing father for my future children makes me feel nothing but immense joy, and peace.. and it makes me eager... refer to point 1 I guess.
Let's address each point, in a few sentences (or more lol).. one by one... I promise I'll keep this a quick read.
1) Papa.... My father is an amazing man. He's a strong, intelligent, disciplined, charming black man, and I understand that I will never know exactly what that feels like.. Me and my papa's relationship could be stronger, and by my standards, I'd like it to be. And I could point blame until I'm blue in the face, except... parents are people too. And, they do the best they can.. but what happens when your best isn't good enough? I'm a person that believes when you don't love, forgive, and care immensely for yourself, you can't care for other in that capacity. You can't give what you don't have. I just feel like, as I learn to heal, and confront my past I wanna help my war-veteran, eldest son, sensitive, fragile, big-hearted, witty papa do the same... but, he has to do those things, and when I realize I can't do them for him, it saddens me... Because it puts into very clear terms that... age don't mean shit, and comparison IS the thief of joy. I can heal and mature faster than my parents... and for me, that brings grief. You can't heal for other people. You can't self-love for other people. What you can do though, is love 'em where they're at... EXACTLY where they're at.. and that's what I'm working on. I wanna continue to create healthy boundaries and also pray and have hopeful expectations of those around me because... hope is indicative of faith... and Jasmin Dominique has that. I have faith we'll heal. I have faith that he'll heal, and I have faith that as we continue, I will be okay with the fact that our growth and maturity is different... and both forms and rates of growth are valuable to our relationship. There's so much love here... and I wanna keep it and grow it... and I'm believing and trusting God that it will happen when the time is right.. so I'm gonna keep trying papa... with no guidance... Imma keep trying... cuz we can do this... and there were so many things you did right. Teaching me every rule to baseball and thus making it my favorite sport. Teaching me how to deal with customer service in a restaurant. Teaching me to REALLY laugh when I think something is funny... all invaluable..
You're my papa, and you always will be... and I'll never not own my story... I also KNOW, we can do better papa... I miss you.. I love you.. and dammit, we need each-other... so let's up our embracement of each other.
2) My husband bought us all inclusive tickets to the Dominicana... and we know people there now, and people who have been multiple times and loved it.. I think we're gonna go... but we're unsure... praying for discernment..
I'd appreciate you keeping your opinion on the matter to yourself.... I'm just sharing that sometimes.... you don't know.. so you give it up to the universe and wait.. that's where we are.
3) Mama is in a choreographic residency, on work-study, dancing in a really cool secret project for a major household company/name, and also putting a tape out and planning a listening party. Oh, and I'm tryna lose a lil weight by my bday! I love my life, and it's also.... much. Focusing this week on not taking shit so seriously, and also being okay with the fact that I've been blessed with multiple gifts and talents to share.. and remembering that God doesn't call the qualified, God qualifies the called... and I'm called. Period.
4) My husband.... my marriage.. gives me hope in a way I haven't experienced before. I'm so excited to be a mama when it's time... it's in me. Cancer is the maternal sign of the zodiac. I am mother... my element (water) is the giver of life... and also a destroyer, even when seemingly unprompted!
I want many children. (i'm also clear you can't say that until you have at least one) but referencing point one: Knowing that I've chosen a man that's in a better position to not only provide, but emotionally, spiritually and mentally support and be a reference to my child's life? HUGE turn on.... Big, HUGE *Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman voice*
4B) I can wait to bear children... but to bear Tevin Erik's children? My God.. the thought is filled with nothing but trust... and that feeling in regards to another person is uncharted territory for me. I trust this man enough to create another life, and I believe if we did that, he'd be all in... that shit is biologically and mentally/ emotionally sexy af. I also am a professional performing artist, almost in her prime; mama is waiting years to have children... it's not time. My womb feels like it is sometimes, everyone around me says it is time sometimes. but my heart.... says... somewhat soon Jasmin, but not now. My spirit says: "well done, good and faithful servant" when it comes to the fact that I've chosen an earnest father for my future children... the feeling is indescribable. At this point, my idea is to have as many as my body allows... I can't wait for you to teach our children Tevin... I can't wait for you to bless our children with the love you've blessed me with... and I also wanna wait forever.. because we have shit to do, and we're the kind to go all in on whatever we choose to do lol... that's another reason I married you.
All in all, how have yall healed yall relationship with parents who needed extra TLC and TIME from you in order to flourish in a healthy relationship dynamic?
Wtf do you think is going on in the Dominican?
How do you balance your womanhood against your work? Even when both require all of you to some degree?
Mommies, how'd you postpone being preggers happily married? Cuz... we don't want no pregnancies until it's time to start a damn registry...
No fucking guidance... how fitting....we're just winging it, and we're counting it all joy.
Until next time,
with all of my love,
Jasmin Dominique (soon to legally be on all official documents) Taylor :)