"Flowing from heart, are the issues of are my heart.. it's gratefulness" –Hezekiah Walker & the Love Fellowship Choir.
Y'all. I'm so grateful. Life is looking and loosening up for ya girl. I can finally breathe. I just... am so grateful. today during my yin yoga practice with breath as my focus, I had to thank my inner child for waiting on me so long to come get her and KEEP her. I finally have her in my possession... and before I had invited her home right, brought her back inside from the cold... but I didn't really know how to feed her, and be present with her... make her feel safe, known, heard, respected, protected.. admired... loved.... Oh but the jungle will do that to you lovers... teach you, about and how to care for you... and that is exactly what I did in the Dominican Jungle surrounded by my loved ones for five days and no service to the outside world.
I experienced and met myself in full during the entire trip, but specifically during a 2 hour breath-work trauma release class.... boy was I in for the most uncomfortable treat i've received this decade thus far. Your breath truly is from which all of you flows, and the body truly does keep the score... and for both of these, I am grateful and no longer afraid. For the first time in a long time, i won't say ever because when we unlock new levels of healing and wholeness– frankly we're returning to our truest most natural selves and core... but anywho....
For the first time in a long time, I allowed myself to feel everything. Every single sensation that came to my body, I welcomed it... with the focus being my breath... I had to disrobe... take every layer, physically and metaphorically off. I had to strip myself down to my core *mind you, you're blindfolded during this experience so it is one of the safest spaces I've been in* but with that, I realized I hadn't been allowing my practice, my thoughts, my life.... to be about and for me... whether it was living for my many gifts and professions, my family of origin or chosen loved ones, my husband, the world.. society.... I've spent so much time not living, appreciating, and being here for myself and myself only, that going that deep into the process was frightening. Thoughts like: "I have to share this Talia at dinner" or "I wonder how Tevin's feeling during all of this" or "I haven't heard Rielle cry out" all crept in and out and I had to return to my breath... It took me awhile to surrender... to what you ask? MY Self and MY Practice.
To surrender to the fact that I am here, in this body in this experience living FOR ME. to surrender to the fact that I am not surrounded by or immersed in natural beauty but that I too AM natural beauty. for me to surrender to the fact that I am not made for anyone, not my husband, not my bestie, not my mother, I am here to experience and become Jasmin and Jasmin in full so that I may know and love myself whole and that will translate to others, for that is cosmic law. To surrender to the fact that I made of pure power. To surrender to my resilience and strength, that I have overcome every single thing sent to destroy and distance me from myself and these facts. To surrender to the pain that comes up, the tears, the numbness, the shaking, the fear.. I realized that for so long, I've been afraid of myself... no fucking wonder everything else has been scaring me! Duh!
Mama didn't really UNDERSTAND what she was made of, I knew... but I didn't understand.. and that my lovers... is true wisdom and intellect... to understand. New parts of me were illuminated. I recognize that I need nothing that I do not already possess innately. That includes my husband, any job, any family, etc. Do not confuse this return to Godfidence with arrogance... I am clear that I have been put into this body as human to have the HUMAN experience, and people need people... and staying and humble and hungry is a DAILY CHOICE I will continue to make! but I only want to surround myself with people that recognize that we've been sent here pre-packaged with all that we need to develop and become... and you get to choose who supports that knowledge on your journey.. cuz you gone forget... or get rusty.. or low... or frankly too high, and you gone NEED SOMEBODY TO help your ass... and God uses PEOPLE to do that. that's the need though... you don't need nobody else for peace though, for love, for understanding, for strength, for freedom, for pleasure, for pain... all of that you already have my love.
This is huge for me... as I appreciate every single piece of my self and life now... it is as if a literal switch has flipped. I still have anxious moments, things are still scary sometimes, I still recognize the world is uncertain and in flow... but I have new tools to healthily self-soothe! and I know: I AM NOT UNCERTAIN. I AM NOT SOMETHING TO BE AFRAID OF UNLESS YOU A DEMON OR HELL, THEN BE WORRIED ABOUT THIS LIGHT HERE BABY. I mean wow.... strong? I am intrinsically strong and resilient.. and I have been since before I was born... and so many traumas.. work trauma, school trauma, sexual trauma, family trauma, dance trauma, body trauma... all made me forget and adapt to a certain way of living, behaving, being... NO MORE. JASMIN DOMINIQUE WAS MADE, FORMED BEFORE IN HER MOTHERS WOMB FREE, AND SHALL REMAIN THAT WAY UNTIL THE END. I am love. I am power. I am life. I don't just HAVE these things, I AM THEM. and inner me, baby me... origin me, baby me, little me......has been waiting so long for me to accept and remember.. and today.. during Yin Yoga, during savasana I had to thank myself for waiting on me to return to her in full, but not with knowledge, with the wisdom and understanding that we got this life thing, and that we'll never part again like we did before.
I am truly ready to expand. My tone has truly changed. I am no longer looking down or out... only up and in. I've been budding for a quarter of a century.. and now... Jasmin... me... like the flower of my name... I am ready to blossom toward the sun.. because I have fought so hard to establish my roots and grow as the environment I was planted tried to rip me from my post many a day... and now I recognize how much God... the God in me, has watered, pruned, and protected me...How god truly pre- qualifies, –justifies, and –glorifies. I met myself in full in the Dominican... and for the first time since I've been earth-side... I did not leave her behind.. I brought her home...
Every one on the trip did... maybe not to my degree but all of us came back refreshed, renewed and closer to ourselves.. and this is my prayer for every single person on earth... and that is nothing for GOD, cuz we all have access! Keep praying. keep moving. Keep listening. keep feeling. scared and in pain, keep on. Since he did it for me, all I'm waiting on is a praise report from you.. cuz you gone get yours...
as for me, I don't know exactly what's next but I know it's good and I know now is exactly everything I need it to be... I trust myself... because I know God is not separate for me... I have time to live the life God has shown me in glimpses... and to depend on this....fully, wholly, truly? Is a place that only God was able to bring me to, once I was able to accept that I am worthy and free simply because I am here, and God is the only one that will maintain me in this space, forevermore. I finally understand the scripture "Surely grace and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever" WOW.
Now, I am working to appreciate myself more, because as I was shown where I am, what I'm made of, I was also shown where I need intercession STILL even worthy and KNOW THAT IM STILL GONE GET IT BECAUSE FLAWS AND IMPERFECTION ARE A PART OF THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE AND I GET TO BE HUMAN... and that area for me... is appreciation. I AM READY to APPRECIATE every experience that has brought me to this moment. EVERY TRAUMA. EVERY CRY. EVERY MISTAKE. EVERY OVERCOMING. EVERY BREAKTHROUGH. EVERY PARTNER. EVERY LOVE. EVERY VERSION OF MYSELF I CREATED AND DISSOLVED TO GET TO THIS REAL ONE. EVERY GIFT. EVERY PRAYER. EVERY FUCK UP. EVERY REGRET. EVERY TRIUMPH. EVERY. FUCKING. DAY. I have been telling my loving husband I feel so under-appreciated by him... when in all actuality *yes he could stand to do better, as all people with penises could and we gon chat about that another day* but JASMIN, DO YOU APPRECIATE YOURSELF? and my answer is not nearly as much as you should Jasmin so no... and this month... that day on the 30th of May... it's all changed for me
You see we typically get even more afraid or down on ourselves when God shows us our weak spots.. no no no baby... remember this "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties." 2 Corinth 12:9-10 OR what about "For the LORD corrects those he loves, just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights." Proverbs 3:12? thats when we should be most grateful.. God you showed me what I need help in so now I know what to pray for, I know what I need and I know I can only get it from you... oh how that should be such a delight... because you delight in me enough to help me be better... same goes for folks in your life.. if you surrounded by yes men, re-evaluate your entire circle. If you can't have difficult conversations with the people in your arenas? EVERYONE needs to go back to the drawing board and re-asses. everyone.. and you gotta be willing to go deep and start with you and everyone tied to you.
Well... I know that's a mouthful for today but I'm wishing this healing on you all. Jasmin truly is a Gift from God and for the first time earth side *cuz my spirit already clear, duh* I ACCEPTED THE GIFT. ME... IM THE GIFT, TO ME. wooo jesus, think I'll treat myself to lunch as appreciation... what will you do to get to know and accept you, for you?
Appreciate: recognize the full worth of.
2. understand (a situation) fully; recognize the full implications of.
Whatever it is, trust yourself.
Until next time,
with every single piece of my love,
Jasmin...Dominique... Mrs. Taylor... Baby J.. Mina.. Jazzmatazz, Jazzimae, Jazzy J, Peanut, JT, Fat mama, J, Jas.. HoneBunnySugarPlummy... Jasmin... every part of me... wishes you well.