it's Wednesday, let's write it.
I'm going through some shit rn. I'm currently in what Brené Brown calls Act 2. it's the step of the rising strong process where you're "face-down" and getting the shit kicked out of you and you don't know how you're gonna actually rise, triumph and it end in victory. I'm right there man... im face down, exhausted, knowing I've come too far to turn back and that I must fight to the finish.... and I'm also like God... where are you? I'm face down, exhausted, getting the shit kicked out of me.... you told me we could win this thing... you said trust you... I said I'd break for you, I AM breaking for you... your glory... your purpose and plan for my life... im journeying home to myself and it seem like you playing with me... save me, help me.... please.
Facing this generational trauma, family inflicted trauma and abuse in whatever form is no joke saints and ain'ts. Looking your past dead in the face and telling it that the past is where it must and will stay ain't no joke. Befriending your body is no joke. Giving your inner child the floor without shame and guilt is no fucking joke. In the book im reading entitled the body keeps the score, they call it the night sea journey... the journey back to yourself.. back home... and they say it is brutal, because it is... i ain't say painful, i said BRUTAL.... like being face down and getting the shit kicked out of you, you feel me?
With all this learning, growing, processing, re-learning, unlearning, re-wiring, etc.... it can feel like you're stuck.... healing is cyclical... and yesterday I found myself feeling like I havent grown because I thought I was in the same spot as I was last year... but guess what? I'm not.
I am here, in this present moment and although brutal, I am grateful. I am better than I was yesterday because I am allowing myself to be present in this day and moment. I have more courage. and contrary to my face-down feelings, my faith is high because i'm still in the arena, I have not and will not tap out. I am kinder and gentler with myself. I am the most honest I have ever been in my life. and I see myself the clearest I have ever... a vessel and beholder...witness to the light that literally lives inside... so I AM getting up... I've coughed and cried..spit some blood out... cursed my maker for allowing such turmoil in the process of victory... and now I am to rise...and let this little light of mine... shine...let it shine... let it shine... let it shineee.....
Wishing you a grateful, grueling, face down, painstakingly aware act 2 with whatever you're working through... and a rise... a rise with all that you've taken while you were down that you transform into power you did not even know belonged to you. A power and a rise that will shake the nations and leave you and us(the world), forever changed.
with all of my love,
Until next time,
Jasmin... Mrs. Taylor