It's Wednesday, let's write it...
I've been having very vivid dreams. Anyone else? I don't even know what to write to begin to describe them.. some I've been in the South, some have been in relationship with women I once knew that spirit is telling me I no longer need to seek to know deeper, or better... and that's been a little scary because it's been quite jarring to wake up to.
Today the moon is in cancer.. and I've been moody. Yet I'm starting to feel better and the least moody I've felt all day as the moon is high and continues to rise. I am no longer fearing being ruled by the night, I embrace her.
I'm just about finished recording my mixtape that I'll be offering to the world as Gift from God, of the Lord. That feels good. Music is taking off in Japan for me, and I'm doing my best to simply sit in gratitude, and move in the magic that is my artistry, creativity, and divine gifts.... Why does it seem easier for me to do this than others? Why do I crave to be in the company of those that see themselves fully, outside of their body, their job title, their place of residence, so deeply? I've been examining myself and it's truly not from a place of contempt. Dare I say sometimes sadness?
It makes me sad that people don't realize how deep they are. How deep life is, and for that to be simple. I believe all children come here knowing life is deep and wild. Which is why they need various soothing techniques, and why intentional parents are clear that they are shaping minds... when do we lose that? When do we lose how full of care we are when it comes to shaping our minds via the way we communicate... our needs, wants, desires, dislikes, humor, play, imagination, sadness, embarrassment, and all of the other things that go into our self... authentically?
I think it happens at different times for us all. For me, it was five. The rumble with that came at 23. the return at 25, the reckon at 28, and now, the rise... at 29. However, dare I say... I aim only to be in CLOSE proximity to those that are at least rumbling? I need reciprocity. That's a big word in my life right now. If you cannot return the energy I'm giving not only to myself, but to you, I would no longer like to be in close proximity. What happens when we've already established connections through actions and pathways that our society deems as life-long proximity things? Like being a bridesmaid in my wedding. Or being a biological family member within my family of origin? Or being best friends? Or supporting you through the birth of a child, a new career adventure, etc?
What happens when that neural pathway has been established, but neither of us (whether you're emotionally aware and intelligent enough to realize) wants to travel the road anymore? I am unsure. My guess, my current guess, is we change proximity versus paving over the road in concrete. I think the latter is lowest hanging fruit. How do we change the proximity? We change the destination. And here's the kicker... the really big fucking kicker... I think in changing the destination, we become okay with simply not having one. And that for me? As mother of the zodiac, and the moon of the baby of the zodiac, makes sense and is quite conflicting.
I'm an intentional biyotch. There is little I do without thinking, unless I'm alone or I've established it is not time to think. Or, if you're in close proximity to me to experience the version of me that trusts you not to think. While embarking on the final year of the decade that is my 20s, I'm truly questioning and becoming clear about that close proximity... and the only one I seem to be sure that should remain is my inner child. Some of it is because of the trust others have broken, and continually break but don't seem to notice. Gone are the days where I am fighting to be seen. I am fighting to see, if anything. Some of it is fear of being betrayed, again. and some of it is simply God and growth saying... it is time to let go. It seems that there's a divine plan in the midst of all this chaos of relationship shifting.... I find myself living in the dialectic if you will... where two opposing things can be true.
I love and trust you and not very deeply and I don't know if I ever will (again).
I am learning and unlearning a lot.
I am in a period of clarity yet I am unclear on what is happening and/or what is next.
I miss you, and I do not think we should continue to try.
I so wish for you to come with me, but I must leave and love you where you are.
I am alive, and many parts of me, whether mine to begin with or not, are dying.
I seek to share my life on a soul level, deeply, with all I encounter, and I am limiting access to me.
I communicate extremely well and with ease, and I'm finding it difficult to communicate with others.
My voice comes first, first is not only.
As I look around I see few that protect me, yet I am protected.
I am done people pleasing; and it is a part of my purpose to remind people what it is like to be pleased... to remind you of pleasure.
All I know is that I am holding myself, the faith and the fear of the Lord near and dear. I know that I am not only taking things a day at a time, but moment by moment. I know that this is what it looks like to trust in that which we cannot see... and I know that not even in my final form, I see and am loving me.
Remember lover, the love of the Lord starts with the fear of the Lord, and the archaic meaning of fear is to revere.
Until next time.... with all of my love from Japan,
Mrs. Jasmin Dominique Taylor
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