everything is changing. i've changed and i have some more changing to do. but today, i think im gonna mind the gap and really work to love on and accept myself exactly where i am today.
i recognized with a situation over the weekend in which someone acted completely asinine during my husband's birthday brunch that im really struggling to have compassion for this person... and i've been rumbling with this because it's thrown me off my square a bit. brought some confusion and feelings of shame and guilt... and like God does, He whispered to me in the dead of the night last night that I am still struggling to have self-compassion, specifically regarding my attachment to control and perfection out of fear (of not being enough, of not being lovable as I am, etc) I realized i'm still struggling to love and trust a part of myself that I had exiled for so long and by God's grace finally have welcomed home.... so now, instead of just being scared of everything all the time, I have a different fear..... the fear of being home.... because it's been sucha long time. *yay for the upgrade... gatdamn for the upgrade still being scary lmao*
i dont know about you, but i have no true memory of being my whole-self, unapologetically, fully outside of being on a stage or traveling, until now.... im talking about being my truest, most earnest beautifully flawed Self... that learning and respect of self got blitzed and taken from me at a very early age, so right now, I'm essentially learning how to be a whole person.... like a three year old is learning how to be a whole person......and my inner three year old that had gotten comfy and married fear, insecurity, self-disgust, shame, self-hatred, disassociating, no memories before a certain point, constant physical and mental anxiety, control, certainty, promiscuity, lying, abuse and i think most importantly EXILE, out of need for survival, is now home.......
home in this body and this PRESENT time and experience, home in love, peace, and joy, home in uncertainty, home in exiling NOTHING, home in protection, home in curiosity, home in pausing before i think and speak, home in healthy confrontation, home in boundaries, home in peace, home in worship, home in recognizing and appreciating the magic in the mundane, home in wanting bigger and also recognizing the more i appreciate the smaller things the more i think THAT is the bigger, home in patience, home in compassion, home in WHOLENESS, as in, you...little three year old... are welcome here, this is your home... and my little three year old is afraid, because this all feels very foreign to her.
it's such an experience.... your true Self emerging, and taking proper charge because you're doing the work and God is showing up and showing out, whilst also experiencing the parts of yourself that have kept you protected (at least in your mind and spirit until you realized they didn't) being grateful to take a backseat or leave, while also clawing like crazy to make sure they're being heard because they are fragile and struggling to accept and trust this Self that's been there all along but wasn't ready to be the leader. I'm struggling to listen to my inner child and calm her down this week while being really compassionate and soft with her because she's been through mucho.... i mean more than i'd ever wish on any widdle one, ever.... and she cursing mfs out and irritated cuz the behavior from Sunday and that crave for control and perfectionism felt all too familiar... she's scared.
it has been hard for me to watch people make mistakes and not reprimand them or get damn near disgusted at them for not acting like every decision is life or death. Why? because i'm still reprimanding her because when we were little, we did not have the luxury of figuring shit out at a patient, lovingly kind pace knowing that all is well..... we had to survive.... and now we're living... and she likes and has been waiting on LIVING WHOLE and getting OUT of exile for as long as she can remember, and she also knows nothing of it so therefore it is scary.... and she feels so small..... so very small.... in size, in maturity... she feels so out of her league and like an imposter who was more comfortable surviving because its easier since its what she knows... all this cuz she put her best foot forward to plan a brunch and one person went against the grain.... she's screaming see? "this new shit is something else because either way it's not gonna be perfect and people suck... so, isolate me again, at least i had a false sense of certainty and security in exile since there was only me...."
BUT GOD... "before i formed you in your mothers womb, I KNEW YOU" and mamas been working hard enough for both of us baby.... and i hear you, and i understand you, and also... you don't and never had deserved psuedo-safety.... you're home now, a real safe place, and i'll never cast you out ever again, cuz when we started this homecoming, this 'night sea journey' as they call it, this journey BACK to wholeness (cuz you're REturning) i promised you id never get that far from you again, and i meant that promise... and i know people have failed on their promises left and right on you, and i know you've even broken promises.... but this is not that. God also has never broken a promise to you, and you see that now because you're home. you ARE okay. and it's OKAY to be struggling. a hard week doesn't mean you have a hard life. you ARE PROTECTED. and also, i'm willing to give you time to adjust to home and safety... no pressure mama, but you are welcome here and we're not leaving each other ever again.
so today, Self is allowing inner child to play hooky. today, we can do whatever you like. imma give you your moment because you don't have to be overwhelmed and you can trust me. also after six weeks of not drinking, we're re-establishing our relationship with libations... ok, within reason we can explore that today.... we don't have to go crazy on journaling, we don't have to be perfect and on our wellness ps and qs, we don't have to be all uplifted and grown and figured out... today I will sit with you in the emotional, spiritual dark... so that you may realize and trust oh little one, you've been the light all along.
God is with you, and for you, not against you.... and i am not against you anymore either... i am for you. permission to be so silly, to not think so much or hard, to take it light because the heavy came in the middle of the night, but joy my love, joy cometh in the morning. weeping may endure for the night, but joy cometh in the morning! So, permission to express yourself however you see fit, within boundaries of course because as the adult here I now know children need structure and boundaries for protection love creativity flow and curiosity to reign supreme.... so we not going back to hell or exile because that's not even fitting for such a princess as yourself.... but we can do pretty much anything else here at home inside this kingdom that is God's love and grace and this beautiful body! lol, let's play...quiet or loud..whatever you need.
sending kisses and wholeness your way lovers to your inner child and you true Self.... who knows.. maybe our inner children can have a play date one day while our true selves have a coffee.
with all of my love today, please give a warm welcome to my girl....
WELCOME HOME BABY J :)
Until next time,
Mrs.Taylor, by way of baby J today :)