all I am, I give to you.
It's not Wednesday, we're a day late-- with a word right on time, let's write it.
I just returned from NYC for a glorious weekend for my big pa pa's 27th rotation around the sun. The trip was literally glorious, and we just pounded pavement for three days in a row which we haven't done in three years... we truly, are re-gaining and creating our lives again.
With this intimate weekend of and for five, along with amazing NYC homies, we returned on Monday, and I had this overwhelming sense of fear.. I mean it was getting physical.. psycho-somatic if you will.
I had to get quiet. Was it the noise of New York weighing on me? Was I just tired from the turn up? Nothing was wrong but I felt off... and tingly... so into the bath I went... and I started to pray, and worship.. the closest access line we have to God... and it came to me... I was scared out of my mind because for the first time in my life, after a trip filled with many firsts, with family where blood could not make us any closer, and the opportunities to show up and connect with and AS myself EVERY DAY..... I was feeling HOPEFUL.. and this feeling was scaring the bejesus out of me.
I'm an optimist. By life's account and human statistics, I should not be. This entire year, frankly the last three, I've been re-training and re-wiring my brain to "always look on the bright side of life." And after our trip in NYC, I realized I am, and that I do. I came home, with many projects working and on the horizon, with rest still an intention, with the relationships I went on vacation with still in tact, and returning home not disconnected from myself. As I began to weep in the tub, I realized, that although things/ life may get easier (and I'm truly a living testimony of this) I WILL ALWAYS FEEL THIS WAY. Not ridiculously scared, but in awe of my life, transitions, and journey.
I am madly in love with myself, my husband, my work, my friendships. We are living in dangerously tough times, and I still am full of peace and joy. I do not sacrfice my beliefs, my body, nor my intuition anymore. And I make mistakes and oopsies, and am self-forgiving, and still working on my practices of self-compassion; AND I'LL ONLY GO SO HARD ON MYSELF. WHICH MEANS I ONLY GO SO HARD ON OTHERS.
I lived in a family of origin, that I'm pretty sure unbeknownst to them, tried to kill me. Multiple times, multiple ways. My spirit, my joy, my inner voice, all of it. And we live in a society where this has happened for generations. and here I am, ALIVE AND LOVING IT. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I WILL ALWAYS CRY, I WILL ALWAYS PRAISE, I WILL ALWAYS WORSHIP.
No one can worship you for me God... a line I've truly learned to embrace. I think this is my cross to bear, and I think... I like it. I always want to remember the valley.. to remember the desert, where I was thirsting for more of God. Where I was so disconnected from myself, Where I didn't want to exist because it felt too hard. Because now? Oh now my dears? I AM HERE. I AM PRESENT. I AM LOVE. I AM PEACE. I don't just possess them, I AM them. What an honor.
So, not that I'll always live in anticipation of fear-- but I will note that because of my life experiences and the traumas I've overcome through the grace of God, that IF GOD DOESN'T DO ANOTHER THING FOR ME I'M SO MOTHERLOVING BLESSED, SUCCESFUL AND WHOLE, AND I WILL ALWAYS SING IT FROM THE MOUNTAINTOPS. And sometimes the marker that I need to go deep and get grateful, will be fear knocking on my door and me saying "Get in loser, we're going to the Kingdom" <3
Learn how to lose, and know you're not a loser. Know how to delay but not deny yourself. Learn how to listen to love. Allow your body and life to TEACH. TRUST.
Wishing you breakthrough like this one, for the rest of your days. And another HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the man that God has destined me to stand beside, with him as my earthly King, Tevin Erik Taylor.
With all of my love, until next time..
Mrs. Jasmin Dominique Taylor.
Aka-- Gift from God of the Lord.