Hey lovers, Happy Wednesday, let's write it.
I recently started The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, and baby... let me share with you a line that rang true for me and I think rings true for many of us:
"Freud had a term for such traumatic reenactments: "the compulsion to repeat." He and many of his followers believed that reenactments were an unconscious attempt to get control over a painful situation and that they eventually could lead to mastery and resolution. There is NO evidence for that theory– repetition leads only to further pain and self-hatred. In fact, even reliving trauma repeatedly in therapy may reinforce preoccupation and fixation." -pg 32.
So, the question that I had to ask myself yesterday, and that I pose to you today– Are you self-sabotaging by reliving and over-analyzing your past?
My answer was yes, I am re-living and re-thinking about yester-year too much. Pinpointing certain reactions and triggers to that five year old that was neglected and abused... but although she is a part of me, and will always be, I am no longer that five year old. God whispered to me in the dark, that it's time for me to stop. No more thought, counseling or attention is going to change what went down the way it went down in my traumatic past.
You know what I can do? Let that shit go, completely. Like to the point where it doesn't even cross my mind. So, I'm asking for strength from God for that. And I'm incorporating daily practices that help me focus on the beauty of RIGHT NOW and get excited and hopeful about my future.
My word for March is expectation.... and I'm expecting God to break the need for me to go on and try and re-enact in ANY behaviors or thought patterns that which I learned from trauma as a means to survive, because I'm not surviving out here anymore, I'm thriving... I'm living... LIVING, a beautiful life. I expect to act, breathe, think, and be like it.
If there's something that's on replay in your mind, or something that comes up consistently when you're triggered, I'm praying for you. You can overcome it, and you need to let it go.. in full.. not just spiritually, but mentally and physically. Let it go and ask for the help you need to get there, because you gone need help. period. Decide who you want to be; someone looking back or someone who believes their best days are ahead of them?
Are you happy to be here or not? Do you wanna be? Where is here? Here is NOW, right now, not what happened, past tense. Let go of the idea that you could've controlled what happened to you, what life put on you... an accept that life is new every damn day, and you deserve to experience being human in FULL.
God told me to tell you to get up out from under that burden, memory, trauma from the past, TODAY. Claim it and DECLARE it today. This not just about your flesh, this your mind, this your heart... break yourself free, NOW. Open your mouth and ask for HELP. Help yourself! And decide to uphold a boundary with yourself.. I know I am... certain thoughts come up I have to literally say: you are NOT welcome here. Uhhh, girl, you're trying it and I understand why you're feeling afraid, or confused and trying to go into fix mode but we are safe now, we are here NOW, we are healthy and whole, now. We are all works in progress, but you have to be committed to just that, progress... not the past.
It's hard, until... you decide it isn't because you're clear who you are and what you deserve out of life... which is the best, and worthy, and loved, and beautiful. And even then shit will still be hard, but what will be easy is staying clear on the fact that you're you and you belong and have power.
I love you, keep on keeping on lovers... and take the tape off replay in your mind. Matter of fact, throw it away. His mercy endureth forever... give yourself a little mercy.
Definition of mercy: compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm.
You have the power to further harm yourself and let others harm you.. that same power is the type to set you free and bless you beyond measure... "Now unto Him who is able to do exceedingly and abundantly more than we could ever imagine..." thats scripture. Exercise some self-forgiveness and self-compassion for wanting to figure it all out and make it all better... you're here and you're putting one foot in front of the other, and that's all better... that's enough.
Be blessed lovers. You're doing a mighty fine job.
I love you,
Until next time...
Mrs. Taylor